i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
