and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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