So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
