goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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