one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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