just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
