I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize