So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
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