a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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