I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
