I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
