all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
