you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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