awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
