If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
