If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
