The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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