did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
