Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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