meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
