when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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