I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
