you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
