I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
