I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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