I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Those nachos came to me in a dream
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
