i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
