I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
