toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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