Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
