Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
