My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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