you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
