Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
