I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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