Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize