Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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