Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
