So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
BRING THE BAGELS
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My feet surprised me
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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