Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
