I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
