I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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