May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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