I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
