the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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