I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
