Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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