He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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