i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
