Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
