i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize