he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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