I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
not ubering you a puppy
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
