Porn is love you can see.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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