The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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