i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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