how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I had to cum in my sink.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
